


I'm looking for a trap door trigger to drop me out of your view

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Series: the sass and murder show [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky being Bucky, Fluff and Humor, Frenemies Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson, M/M, POV Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson is So Done, Texting, bucky doesn't deserve a phone, does the man ever sleep, in which bucky discovers texting, much to sams irritation, steve and bucky really love natgeo documentaries ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-07-29 19:56:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7697479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which bucky discovers text messaging and sam hates him for it</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm looking for a trap door trigger to drop me out of your view

Bucky Barnes re-enters the 21st century with flying colors. That is to say that Tony takes it upon himself to introduce him to smart phones and texting. Sam would greatly like to drop him from a very tall building or at least an apartment rooftop for that.

First off, the man never sleeps which means he texts Sam at hours that no human being should be awake for.

Second off, some of his messages are jibberish mixed with emoji's.

Third, Steve joins in on the fun whenever possible.

Why is life so hard for Sam Wilson? For all intents and purposes he's a good man. He pays his taxes, recycles and answers every call for help. Not to mention the fact that he'd adopted a cat last month and his litter box is practically gleaming it's so clean. What does he get in return? These assholes.

+

_"Hey."_

Sam squints at the alarm clock. It reads 4:45 a.m. His phone buzzes once more.

_"cowbirds use eggs as weapons. they drop them in others' nests. maybe we should up our game"_

What the fuck.

_"BUCKY. It's four a.m. trying to sleep here."_

The phone buzzes.

 _"not sure why they're called that though. they're_ birds _"_

_"GO TO SLEEP"_

Apparently he and Steve were still parked in front of the t.v. watching National Geographic.

_"like you"_

That was just uncalled for. Sam sits up and bed and scrubs at his bleary eyes.

_"Newsflash bionic woman, birds and humans aren't the same."_

Blessed silence.

He curls up in bed once more and tugs the covers over his head. And then he hears it.

_Buzz._

_"I can search things you know. my hair doesn't look that bad. I even asked steve and he said it's not even close"_

Jesus Christ.

_"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, GO TO SLEEP"_

_"no"_

_"FINE. I'm turning my phone off. If I miss an emergency call, it's on you."_

The phone buzzes a final time.

_"night birdman"_

He buries the phone under the mattress and flops onto his stomach. Then his side and back again.

Great. He's wide awake now.

+

_"youre one ugly ass doll"_

Sam is standing in the pasta aisle, contemplating the merits of mushroom and cheese tortellini or a muted shade of green that claimed to be spinach with ricotta.

"What do you want?," he texts back.

Spinach **is** healthier but mushrooms-

A photo attachment comes through. It's a doll version of himself, zoomed in on the face.

_"pretty accurate nose though" [moon emoji]_

_"That looks nothing like me."_

A woman knocks into Sam's shoulder by accident and he nearly drops the phone. She apologizes and makes her way to the myriad of spaghetti sauce flavors.

_"the big red eyes are accurate though"_

Mushroom it is. He tosses four bags into his cart.

_"They're called goggles and they protect my eyes."_

Next up, sauce. He strolls down the aisle and the woman shyly smiles at him once more.

"Bertolli," she says.

"Pardon?"

He places the phone in the cart and grabs a jar of sauce.

"If you're looking for a good brand, that one is worth the money."

He replaces the jar of Prego with Bertolli Tomato and Basil.

"Hi, I'm Katy."

The sauce joins his phone in the cart as he takes her hand and politely shakes it. She's not the type he'd normally go for but she is beautiful.

"Sam."

She drops his hand and he leans to peek into her cart, silently chastising himself for the creepy move afterward.

"Ground sirloin tastes better in lasagna," he offers.

She peers into her cart at the cheap ground beef. "I couldn't find a fresh pack."

"I could-," Sam begins.

_Buzz._

_"since youre ignoring me i'm going to text you animal facts"_

Her eyes shift to the phone.

"Do you need to get that?"

An elderly couple shuffles past them and the phone buzzes once more.

"No."

_"the name hippopotamus actually means river horse which sounds pretty neat but scary. you probably couldnt ride it"_

She smiles and Sam feels like maybe he still stands a chance at this.

_Buzz._

It's Steve this time.

_"It's Steve. Did you know that hippos can hold their breath underwater for several minutes?"_

He grabs another jar of sauce just to have something to do with his hands and to distract her.

It's ineffective. She begins to slowly edge away in the way that people do when they're uncomfortable but don't want to advertise it.

"I should get going."

Dammit. He sighs, defeated.

"It was nice to meet you, Katy."

With one last smile she returns the sentiment and heads for the dairy section. Ricotta cheese, likely.

_"steve has that record though. he stayed in water for **decades** "_

Great. 

It's time to get sappy and romantic. Sidetrack that shit.

_"I'm trying to shop."_

_"can you grab a can of that squeeze cheese? you know, the really orange kind? then swing by our place after and drop it off? tastes nothing like cheese but it's really good on saltines"_

_"I know what Easy Cheese is."_

_"good. we're gonna need about 3 and a pack of crackers while youre at it. steve just ate the last one, didnt even tell me we were out"_

Fantastic. Now he was playing personal shopper for two lazy superheroes who'd discovered Netflix instant.

_"No."_

Steve had apparently nabbed the phone from Bucky:

_"Please Sam."_

At least he had the decency to ask politely. Unlike _some_ people.

_"Two. I'm getting two. And he'd better be dressed when I swing by. I've got nothing against boxers but I don't need to see that."_

Sam had dropped by last week to visit and Bucky had answered in nothing but a pair of snug boxers. The bastard hadn't even bothered to cover up. Instead he'd stretched a metal arm up along the door and propped against it. Yeah that visit was a short one.

_"really? you gonna harp on that forever?"_

_"You were **naked** , Bucky. I can't unsee that." _

_"boxers count as clothing"_

_"In what world does underwear count as a feasible clothing option to answer the door in?"_

"Excuse me, young man. I forgot my glasses in the car. Can you tell me if this has a good amount of fiber in it? My husband is on the irregular side but he won't take anything for it, you know how stubborn men can be."

Way TMI.

Also has she failed to notice that he **is** a man?

A short elderly woman with hair like white cotton candy tapped his shoulder and pushed a jar of sauce into his free hand. Apparently this was his new home now seeing as he'd been standing in the same aisle for over 5 minutes.

"Fiber, you said?"

She nods and picks up her tirade about fiber. He thanks his lucky stars for the ability to speed read.

_"it's our apartment, our rules. if you wanna pop in here in just your boxers feel free to but steve will be dressed. you know how he is, the prude"_

She nosily squints at the phone in his other hand and shoots him a look that says he should be ashamed of himself. So she _can_ read clearly then, nice.

"It's, um. 2mg of fiber."

Wordlessly she takes the sauce and shakes her head as she leaves. Ah what a lovely generation of closeted homophobes. He'd really like to take her with him to drop off the Easy Cheese. Her eyes would bug right out of her head.

He migrates to the next aisle before addressing Bucky's text.

_"I'm turning off the phone now."_

_"i'll wear my blue ones" [winking emoji]_

He powers down the phone and collects a loaf of garlic bread. Next stop: _one_ can of squeeze cheese, no crackers.

+

It's 6:03 a.m. and Sam can't sleep. He could go for a run but he feels a cold coming on and running wouldn't be the best of ideas. At this hour Bucky would be settling into bed at last, having stayed up until 5 a.m.

It's payback time.

_"What did you save my name as?"_

Three minutes pass without a sound.

_"Better not be anything bird related. My wings aren't made of feathers, thankyouverymuch."_

Two minutes. He sends a photo of the shoebill; an endangered bird that looks like someone created him with their eyes closed.

_"He kinda looks like you."_

Four minutes.

_"If you could fly, that is. You're stuck on the ground while I'm soaring high. I could even sit in a tree if I wanted to. You can't do that, Terminator."_

The phone buzzes.

_"shut up"_

And the mouse walks right into the trap.

_"I could drop you off of the Hilton's rooftop if I wanted to."_

_"not if I kicked you off first"_

The mouse reaches for the cheese.

_"oh yeah?"_

So close.

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"prove it"  
_

The trap closes on him.

_"I'm feelin' awfully tired, think I'll take a nap. Sleep well" [Sam sends the winking emoji]_

He turns the phone off and starts a pot of strong coffee. This might just be a good day after all.

+

The final straw happens when Sam is out on a date. He hasn't put himself out there since he left the military when Riley died. He's tired of seeing Pepper and Tony flirt in that half banter/half serious sort of way. Also, Steve and Bucky. When they're not walking around the streets of New York hand in hand (stopping at hot dog stands and candy shops like they're children rather than very very old men) or annoying him via texts they're lounging around in his living room. Hands intertwined and rambling about that time Steve got his foot caught in a grate because of his loose shoestrings on his too-big shoes. Ever since the three of them had ventured out to the incredibly overrated Grand Canyon they'd been even more inseparable and he doesn't need that kind of negativity in his life.

Don't even get him started on Nat and Sharon. Or Clint and Kate. Thor and Jane. Vision and Wanda.

What was so wrong with the single life? He could whip up a fancy dinner for one without having to worry about extra dishes, could sleep nude if he wanted to. He could even - okay. Cut the crap. It's terrible.

He's lonely, cranky and tired of spending his time with couples.

Sure there was Rhodey and Scott but they had other obligations.

-

"Fourteen story building. I had her by the hand and the wood splintered under her feet, fire everywhere. I'll never forget that scream as long as I live. I reached down and grabbed her around the elbow and dragged her up onto solid ground. Saw her about two years ago and she showed me pictures of her grandchildren, beautiful kids."

Sam isn't easily woo'd. What?

So he'd swooned over Steve the first time he'd gotten an eye full of muscles and snark but that doesn't count.

This guy though? His name is Marcus and he's about 3" taller than Sam. He's not carved from marble or anything like that but he's in damn good shape; all smooth brown skin and dark eyes that, swear to god, was what poems must be made from. Add in the fact that he's constantly on the go, like Sam, and the fact that he's one of New York's finest firemen.

Jackpot.

Check, check and check. Every box.

"Man, that's-"

_Buzz._

_"Burch wants to know what time you'll be back. We were gonna swing by, there's a new movie out that I wanna see."  
_

Steve.

Sam holds up a finger in apology and quickly reads the message. Burch. Still absurd even with the fluffy happy bunny backstory.

_"Can't. Date."_

"Sorry about that. You were saying?"

_Buzz._

_"date???? sam wilson on a date??" [one skull emoji, one kissy face emoji, another with x's for eyes and an old man emoji]  
_

That's rich coming from two guys who had to throw together a roadtrip and travel thousands of miles across state lines to finally spit it out. And the old man emoji? The audacity. Not everyone was around when Lincoln was president and the first light bulb was invented thankyouverymuch.

Sam gives his date a polite smile and slips the phone under the table where he can reply without having to directly look at it. This guy is a catch and he kinda wants to take him home tonight and do things that would make Mr. Apple Pie and his beast of an other half blush.

Marcus smiles uneasily. "I'm so sorry. You must be bored stiff. I tend to get long winded when I'm nervous."

That's no big deal. Hell it's the most normal thing hes came across since Mr. Fantastic had ran laps around him in D.C.

He smiles at Marcus in a way that he really hopes isn't coming off as Please-god-let-me-toss-you-from-a-moving-vehicle because right now he's feelin' it. Not toward his date of course. The man could charm his way out of anything it seemed. The whole adorable meets sexy as hell meets shy deal works for Marcus.

Sam texts five skull emoji's and a knife.

"You're fine, you're alright."

Fine was an understatement. _Fine_ was like comparing spam to filet mignon. Jello to flan.

It's his turn to talk about himself and it's daunting. One date couldn't possibly cover the insane details of his life like sharing it with many oversized twelve year olds or explaining why his cabinet is full of Easy Cheese and Saltines (Bucky's doing).

"I'm not good at this game," he says with a nervous laugh. If the guy is a keeper he'll let it slide.

"Pets?," Marcus offers.

+1 points for knowing when to change the subject. He could shut Bucky's smart mouth up a time or two by teaching him that little trick. Sam would even break out the popcorn just to see that in action.

_Buzz._

_"take a picture when shes not looking. we're curious"  
_

Hmpt. Over his dead body.

Sam glances down long enough to send _"HE"_ as Marcus stares on, waiting. Hopefully he doesn't think Sam is overly fond of his junk and that's why he keeps looking in that general direction.

"I had an itch. On my shin that is."

Marcus smiles with teeth and it does things to Sam's body.

"I have a cat," Marcus replies as fishes a phone from his pocket. He flips through it for a few seconds and, having found what he was looking for, stretches his arm across the table. It's a cat alright and it's on a sparkly pink leash.

Sam briefly considers telling his date that he could introduce him to Maxwell, his cat. He's a crusty hateful cat but he makes up for it when he's in the mood for treats. He wants to smoothly come back with "Why don't we take this back to my place?"

Instead, he smiles at the photo and feels his heart doing backflips in his chest. He doesn't recall ever having bought a lottery ticket but he'd sure won a nice prize.

"She's pretty. What's her-"

_Buzz._

_"tony has a tracking device on your phone. we can be there in 5min to meet mr tall dark and handsome if you dont reply back"  
_

Curiosity killed the cat but its lesson skimmed right over Bucky's head.

Two can play at that game. He texts a single . mark and nothing more.

Marcus pretends not to notice that he's doing the strange glance-at-your-crotch-and-glare thing again but it's impossible to miss.

"Her name is Buttersworth."

Like a bit from an awful rom-com, Sam begins to laugh despite attempts to hold it in.

Marcus chuckles and shrugs, amused. "I get hungry for pancakes every time I say her name."

_Buzz._

_"be there in 2min"_

For one horrifying minute Sam falls for Bucky's overly dramatic little white lie.

 _"Marcus,"_ he sends.

"What's yours?"

My what now?

"Hmm?"

"Your cats name."

Sam brightens and places the phone under his leg for safekeeping and silencing purposes.

"Maxwell. I have a picture of her."

Retrieving the photo means opening himself up to Bucky texts but hes already offered. It's be rude to not go through with it.

He opens a photo of Maxwell sleeping on Bucky's lap. It's actually a good one that he'd snapped out of sheer boredom.

"This was taken on Christmas last year."

Their fingers brush as Sam passes his phone over. Yeah he's certainly sweeping the cobwebs out of his boxers. He deserves to have a little fun that doesn't involve nearly dying.

"She's a beauty," Marcus says as he returns it. He makes sure to repeat the action.

God bless America, they were making progress.

Sam decides to show him an even more adorable picture.

The phone buzzes in Marcus' hand as a message pops up with the name _**DO NOT ANSWER (B)**_ and a contact photo of the man in the cat photograph only he's pulling an unflattering duckface in this one. Maybe his date isn't single after all? Marcus is into a great many things but infidelity is not one of them. And then he skims over the message.

_"Always practice safe sex. We've got a brand new box of condoms here if you need them. They're not the right size for Bucky."_

Marcus blinks.

"You, uh, you got a message."

Fuck.

This.

 It's from Steve. Sam takes the phone and switches it off.

"Sorry, battery was low. You were saying?"

+

Sam is feeling smug. He'd woke to a warm arm across his chest and sleepy smiles over fresh coffee yesterday morning. Marcus is no Riley but maybe they could build something worth keeping.

Bucky crunches his cereal loudly and pokes at it with his spoon. The two of them had decided to drop by for breakfast and Sam told them they were on their own, cooking wise. Steve had nabbed a handful of granola bars and Bucky had grabbed a box of Lucky Charms. He'd been passive aggressively stirring at them and crunching obnoxiously for the past five minutes.

"Man I had to call my mama and give her my new number. Then my dentist, my aunties, Tony, Bruce. Everyone."

Bucky narrows his eyes as he spoons in another bite. Yeah, if he's going for intimidating he should've picked a cereal that didn't include brightly colored marshmallows. If Sam wasn't irritated over having to change his phone number, he would've found it funny. Worthy of Instagram even.

Steve, for his part, eyes Bucky as if to place every ounce of blame on him.

"I can get the number from Clint," Bucky mumbles. He's picking at his food again.

Sam makes himself a nice hot cup of white jasmine tea and lifts it to his mouth smugly. He is a confident man who doesn't need late night texts to keep him company when he can't sleep. His life is quieter, serene even. He is _not_ lonely. His phone certainly hasn't been stuck at 100% power since the number change.

"He doesn't have it."

Steve cuts in.

" _Tony_ has it but we don't?"

"He doesn't embarrass me in front of old ladies and dates."

Bucky holds up a finger, waits as he swallows a bite of food. " _DATE._ Singular."

That's right. Sam would've had two dates had it not been for hippopotamus facts in the pasta aisle.

"Yes. I meant to thank you for saving me from a date with the dangerous Bertolli woman."

Steve makes a face.

"That's a bad brand."

Sam takes a drink of tea too quickly and burns his tongue. It's better than snipping at Steve and Bucky even though it's too early for their nonsense and they sort of deserve it.

"Point is," he interrupts and crosses his arms, tea now cooling on the counter. "I don't need to know what Netflix show you're bingeing on and I _definitely_ don't wanna talk about cheese in a can."

Bucky pushes his bowl away, affronted.

"Hey now. You can put down anything else I message you about but not that. It's a gift to mankind."

Steve nods in agreement.

Good lord.

"You're missing the point."

Steve scoots the discarded bowl over to his side of the table and picks out the remaining marshmallows as he speaks.

"You," he points the spoon in Sam's direction, "Woke us up to talk about birds."

Sam rolls his eyes.

Bucky begins to scroll through his messages until he comes to a photo of the unfortunately ugly shoebill.

"You were saying?"

"One time, Barnes. _Once._ "

Steve fishes out a spoonful of rainbow marshmallows and neon blue.

"Alright, enough. No more arguing. If you don't want us to have your number, that's fine," he states. Someone has to be the adult here and it's sure not going to be Sam or Bucky. They'd stay here until the sun set if it meant proving one another wrong.

Bucky steals the bowl of cereal back and finishes off the measly three marshmallows. They happen to be Steve's favorite and he'd been saving them for last. He glares.

"You do that again and you're sleeping on the couch."

You just don't do that to a person. It's wrong and cruel.

Bucky turns on the old charm and licks the spoon clean. He plays dirty. "Only if you'll be on the other end of it."

Nuh-uh. They are _not_ flirting in Sam's kitchen and assaulting his cutlery. Those spoons are an heirloom passed down from two generations thankyouverymuch.

He tears off a piece of paper towel and hastily scribbles a number on it.

"Don't wake me up in the middle of the night or I swear to God I'll cut you both off for good," he warns.

Bucky smirks as he puts the number in his phone and saves it as **Shoebill**.

"Netflix added a documentary about eels last night if you wanna join us. Bucky's making popcorn. I don't know how he does it but he adds spices and makes it taste like ranch," Steve offers.

Sam isn't much into eels. They're transparent before they're full grown and it makes his skin crawl. Slimy little water snakes, that's what they are. However, there's a documentary called [The Black Power Mixtape](https://www.netflix.com/title/70166238) that he's interested in.

"I've got one that I _know_ neither of you have watched."

Bucky arches an eyebrow. "I doubt that."

"Black Power Mixtape. It's about activists in the 1960's/1970's. Consider it catching up on necessary history," Sam retorts.

Steve shakes his head no. That one must've been added recently.

"We haven't watched that one but okay. Sounds good to me."

Possibly for the first time in his life, Bucky agrees on something.

"Alright, we'll see what we missed in that decade."

If this goes well Sam might just buy them a couple cans of Easy Cheese and oh what the hell - throw in 2 boxes of Saltines.

"I'll drop by around 6. I've got some errands to run before then."

Errands that happened to have a name and heartbeat.

Bucky stood and tucked Sam's last box of Lucky Charms under his arm. "See you then."

No Saltines for him.

+

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a song by the national. I haven't actually gotten to watch the linked documentary yet but goddamn it looks good. I've added it to my ever growing list of things to watch b/c I too have an addiction to netflix documentaries.


End file.
